Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Michal's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, January 29th, 2005
10:12 pm	thirty-five alive Things I might not have the opportunity to say about myself otherwise: I am a bleeding heart. I like movies that make me cry. I sit through the whole end credits of films. I am one of the few people to actually like Magnolia I prefer driving over being a passenger. I don't mind long drives. I love scenery. I leap at the chance to go driving in the snow. I love 'bad' weather of all kinds. I always wish it could have snowed more. I correct people a little too much. ( There's more... ) Current Mood: melancholy (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 3rd, 2005
10:46 pm	thirty-four ways to go Innocence. Like a child, you seem to think of things with more a curious look then an explanative. The answers aren't important to you all the time, sometimes it's just enjoying the questions and finding new ones. When the end came, you survived through the simple means of not being in the wrong place, or, following a butterfly away from the blast zone. Meeks... damn you all. How would you survive the end of the world? My grandfather's brother (my great-uncle) and his wife live in York. He served with the Polish squadron of the RAF during WWII. After the war he moved here and is now 92. He is the only close family member of ours living in the US, aside from his own son. I'm a sort of a surrogate grandson to them, and they are surrogate grandparents. It's just as well, as we see the real counterparts to each much less often then we see each-other! Just a few weeks ago he discovered that he has developed cancer. This isn't too surprising considering how old he is, but it still would be nicer if it weren't the case! He's still very much active, though. He keeps up with the news of the times and can even still drive a car, if you can believe it. On my visit, he seemed as sprightly as ever. I wish I can live to be old as he is old. Over the past week, I've managed to put more than 1500 miles onto my car. This happens just about every winter break. I'm now about 3500 miles away from 200k. Of course, in the process, I managed to blow a tire on the last leg of my trip... I think almost everyone has that feeling where they are afraid of getting a flat tire for the first time. It starts the instant you get behind the wheel at 16: "What's going to happen? Am I going to swerve off of the road into a pole? Should I survive the ensuing crash, what the heck am I going to do? I have no idea! Eeek!" Then it happens after six years of having a license. You're riding along the highway, and you gently notice this rythmic thumping coming from the rear of the car. It gradually grows louder. You wonder what it might be. You start wondering if your car is finally coming apart as is inevitable. You sense that the car is not driving as it should be. You slow down and pull over. Sho' 'nuff, yo' rear leff tie-ah is flat. Well, that wasn't so bad! You're not dead. ... but you will be if you even attempt to do anything with the tire, as your ass would be hanging partway into the right lane of the highway. You start the car again and pull onto the grass, over the curb, grinding that wheel rim. You briefly consider calling AAA to fix it for you. Nah. You get out the car manual, study the instructions. "Hey, I can do this." You remind yourself to send a thank you letter to whoever wrote the clear documentation. You open the trunk, get out all the tools you need, including the midget spare tire. You jack the car up, unscrew the rim nuts, reach to pull the bad tire off... ...and instantly pierce your right thumb with an exposed steel wire. Looks like the tire not only bit the dust, but also was sliced at by a machete, exposing the steel mesh inside the rubber. You, much more carefully now, remove the offending wheel. You put on the supplied bicycle wheel spare. You pack up and head off. At this point, your hands are covered in grease, along with the blood still coming out of your thumb. You stop at the rest area, fortunately only 2 exits down the road, and go inside. You go to the bathroom to wash off your hands and clean the wound. What you just now see and realize is this: In the sudden jerk of your hand from that thumb prick, you managed to break off a half-inch long piece of that steel wire inside of your thumb. You try to wash off as much of your hands as possible. You go to the main counter, and ask if they have any tweezers in their first aid kit to help you out. They don't, but they do sell 'em! He gets one off of the shelf and hands it to you. They're $1.09. You promise to pay him once you come out of the bathroom as you think he'd prefer to not have bloody money. The end of the wire is underneath the skin... a little hard to reach. After some trial, you manage to remove the foreign object, wincing at the sight of the thing being pulled carefully from inside your flesh, not to mention the pain. You look at it curiously for a brief moment, then swiftly throw it into the trash. You wash. You pay. You leave. The End... Epilogue: You arrive home and sit at your computer, as usual. It becomes immediately apparent that the wound on your thumb is in the exact location you use to hit a space bar or trackpad button. The next day, the first you have at a brand-new job you are starting, you have a bright red Band-Aid on your thumb. The normal flesh-colored Band-Aids you had didn't fit. The first person you are introduced to, the front receptionist, compliments you on your colorful medical apparel. "Thanks!" ...ttfn! Current Mood: artistic (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 27th, 2004
12:20 am	thirty-three casualties The political description that fits you best is... CENTRIST. CENTRISTS espouse a "middle ground" regarding government control of the economy and personal behavior. Depending on the issue, they sometimes favor government intervention and sometimes support individual freedom of choice. Centrists pride themselves on keeping an open mind, tend to oppose "political extremes," and emphasize what they describe as "practical" solutions to problems. World's Smallest Political Quiz Ecclesiastes 9:18 : "Wisdom is better than weapons of war, but one sinner destroys much good." Well, that's that. I voted against Bush because I truly thought that humanity, among other things, would suffer as a result of him remaining president. I hope to goodness that he proves me wrong... I will admit a hidden desire to see him fail, just to say, "I told you so!" ... But that's not right. I still hope for the best, no matter how fruitless it seems to be. I don't like wishing ill on anyone. ---- I've noticed something about my social groups, and the fact that I simply feel out of place and somewhat lonely in all of them. In any group situation, I never fully engage myself with the group, despite some appearances. I may seem to be one of the most active and helpful members even, but I always have one foot firmly placed outside of the circle. "Aloof" is the word. It's helpful in that it allows me to shift loyalties more easily from one group to another. The more I belonged to a group, the more I felt compelled to contribute to it. This compulsion often got me into trouble. I took on positions and projects that I simply did not have the time or capacity to handle. This was particularly not a good thing while at RPI. It affected my schoolwork. Being one step removed from the social circle of a group, I am in a favorable position to observe what is happening in it and around it. This ability is useful if you want to get a good feel of how outside people perceive the group, but it ends with yourself feeling like a stranger among friends. Actually, that's a pretty good way of describing how I feel pretty much all of the time. No matter where I go, or who I'm with, I feel like a stranger. Even in those situations where I feel as if I have a pretty good connection with someone, that sense is usually shattered not long after. In that end, that's all I really want. I'd like someone to share a connection with. Someone who is interested in what I think, in the same way I'm interested in what they think. They wouldn't have to share the same understanding of the world as I do, but it would be nice if there was some mutual interest in learning about eachother. One has to be careful about diversity of opinion though. Disparate world views can lead to greater knowledge and understanding, but they can also lead to differences irreconcilable. Greater disparity means greater opportunity for both success and failure in relationships. Most people seem to have some sort of social foundation, i.e. something that a person has the strongest relationship with. For some, it can be a family member, or a whole family. It could be a son or daughter, a close friend, group of friends, or an organization. For many, it is a spouse, or even God. This one thing is the bedrock to one's social life. For a period of time, anyway. The point is, one swears allegiance to this one entity more than anything else, and I don't mean in a literal sense. One identifies with it the most. I see that people who have such a thing tend to be the happiest. It's something they can turn to for truths or guidance. I don't seem to have the same luxury. Answers don't come easily for me, if they come at all. There isn't one person that I would feel comfortable telling everything to. I've tried. The common response I've gotten more than once is "Jerk!" It's all as if I'm an alien to the sea of content and happiness. I'm not a stranger in a strange land, but, worse, a stranger at my own home. ---- In news, after the sudden termination of my temporary position at the Red Cross two weeks ago, I've managed to land a permanent job in software support for Westbrook Technologies. It starts January 3rd. As always, I'm both anxious and excited to start a totally new job. I hope it will turn out all right. ttfn. Current Mood: cold (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 30th, 2004
4:36 pm	winning by thirty-two votes Cor blimey, I taste like Tea. I am a subtle flavour, quiet and polite, gentle, almost ambient. My presence in crowds will often go unnoticed. Best not to spill me on your clothes though, I can leave a nasty stain. What Flavour Are You? My brain is about to explode. I don't think I can take this anymore. I've been trying to follow this campaign much too closely. I've gotten so worked up over it that I've seemed to push away people that were close to me... Both have made mistakes, and both will make mistakes. My values are pretty plain, and I'm going to vote for whoever I think will best execute them, or whoever is least likely to completely mess them up. My values? Peace, love, and understanding. If that makes me a hippie, so be it. There is one thing that I have *always* believed in, and that is: Don't blame others for wrongdoing until you stop doing wrong yourself. Fix yourself and your own faults before faulting others. Ask yourself, "What can I be doing differently to prevent this from happening?" Change begins with you, and not the other side. In simpler terms, "WWJD?" Osama is right, and wrong. He is absolutely right for wanting the Palestinian oppression to stop. He is wrong to kill 4000 people to bring his message across. Bush is right, and wrong. He is right to want freedom in the Middle East and to secure dangerous weapons. He is wrong to kill 20000+ people and squander world sympathy in a completely misguided, severely flawed, and arrogant attempt to do so. Kerry is right, and wrong. He is right in believing we need the world on our side to accomplish our mission. He is wrong to be so ambivalent about what is acceptable behavior and what we should or shouldn't be doing. I hope that whoever wins the presidency can succeed in improving the world and the country, but I truly feel that Bush has had his chance already. I realize that voting for Kerry is somewhat of a gamble on the unknown, but I see a lot of me in John Kerry, so I hope he will do the right things more than I have seen Bush do. Besides, just think. When did this nation succeed the most? Whenever we had a fully two party system in place. Reagan and a Democratic Congress. Clinton with a Republican Congress. We certainly aren't going to have a Democratic Congress after this election, but maybe a Democratic president... I'd go so far as to call Bush quite un-Christian and an insult to Christians everywhere. Ok, maybe not... but I don't think he has the smarts to implement his ideas in a Christian way. That's a story for another journal entry that deserves much more time than I can give it right now.... Ugh, ok, I'm going into ranting mode again.... I could go on and on and on about Bush vs. Kerry, but I'll stop there for now. With all that in mind, I'll leave you with these: Kerry Haters For Kerry and johnkerryisadouchebagbutimvotingforhimanyway.com ...and finally, a fascinating treatise, "How to Make New Enemies", on what our mission really should be, written by Zbigniew Brzezinski, National Security Advisor under President Carter.. among other things. (For those wondering... yes, he is Polish-Canadian-American, like a certain yours truly.) Hopefully after Election Day I can get back to my irregularly scheduled program... ttfn! Current Mood: discontent (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 22nd, 2004
1:23 am	thirty-one reality-based communities "There is no way to peace. Peace is the way." -Mahatma Ghandi I just gotta say... what a great time to be a New England sports fan. Both the Red Sox and the Patriots are rewarding their long-loyal fans with unbelievable new records. Now, consider if the Astros win the NLCS and the World Series matchup is between the Astros and the Red Sox... Houston and Boston... Texas and Massachusetts... Bush and Kerry! ...not that I would tie Kerry's chances in with the Red Sox in the Series, but it does make things interesting. It's so amazing how divided this nation has become. It would be comical if it wasn't so hurtful. I've spent much of my free time trying to follow everything that is going on. What I fear is that normal people don't have nearly as much time as I do and will end up making their decision on halved information. The problem is with the shear quantity of media available on the subject. Who does one trust? I've encountered this situation many times before. As commissioner in camp, as first-born to divorced parents, as Membership VP of a fraternity, as supervisor in an office. One is forced to fish out facts from a sea of emotions, desires, exaggerations, and distortions. The best approach is holistic. Find out everything you possibly can, and try to build from there a scenario where everything you've seen and heard would make some sort of sense. If there is more than one scenario to choose from, weigh the risks of each, and from there you can base your decisions. How do you reconcile conflicting information? You must realize that everyone says what they say for a reason, and they are not always reasons that the speakers are aware of. Regardless of the truth of the matter, the person's message is motivated somehow, no matter what. This is tricky. I couldn't describe well to you how to discern what a person is really thinking. Nor could I even claim that I know how to do this well. I can tell you that taking psychology classes has helped very much. There I learned that many people don't give enough credit to their instincts, intuitions, and desires in deciding their actions and emotions. .... I'm treading into very difficult explanatory - and inflammatory - ground here.. and, whatever my explanation, it won't be sufficient. It's now nearly 1am, and I need to sleep. I'd like to continue this line of thought sometime soon. Also, I know I haven't even touched on current events in my life... but meanwhile, check out these useful and revealing articles: "[evangelist Pat] Robertson, an ardent Bush supporter, told CNN in an interview Tuesday night that he urged the president to prepare the American people for the prospect of casualties before launching the war in March 2003. Robertson said Bush told him, "'Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties.'" " ...from an interview with CNN on Tuesday. Check out the story here, with denials from Bush administration. "The aide [senior Bush advisor] said that guys like me [the author] were ''in what we call the reality-based community,'' which he defined as people who ''believe that solutions emerge from your judicious study of discernible reality.'' I nodded and murmured something about enlightenment principles and empiricism. He cut me off. ''That's not the way the world really works anymore,'' he continued. ''We're an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you're studying that reality -- judiciously, as you will -- we'll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that's how things will sort out. We're history's actors . . . and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.'' ...from Without a Doubt: Faith, Certainty and the Presidency of George W. Bush by Pulitzer prize-winner Ron Suskind, in New York Times Magazine (registration may be required.) "The next time an American president tries to use force in the war on terrorism, he will not merely lack the world's trust, he will lack much of the American people's as well. That may be Bush's most damning legacy of all. He has failed the challenge of these momentous times. John Kerry deserves a chance to do better." ...from John Kerry for President by the Editors of The New Republic magazine (billing selves as "The in-flight magazine of Air Force One") ttfn! Current Mood: angry (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 6th, 2004
4:20 pm	thirty-something Category V - The Lone Wolf Though you'd be welcome in most groups, you prefer a more solitary path. What Type of Social Entity are You? This quiz in particular I find very interesting, especially with the custom map that was made for it. Not only is this result very accurate, but the map shows it in great detail. Also, I find that this loner mentality would apply to my academics as well... I can sufficiently participate in numerous fields of study, but on the whole I am outside of each one of them. A Disclaimer: This rant née journal entry is going to be a little more haphazard than most in topic... It was written over the course of several days and I don't really have the energy to put it all together into one coherent string of thought. Many have remarked on how vague my job objective is. I would agree. My skills are so varied that I'm not sure if I could claim expertise in even one. There are a few things about my skills and talents that I am absolutely certain of: I am much better at augmenting other people's work than creating my own. I can see a project proposal and instantly raise issues that may be had. I can offer suggestions. This seems a little too much like a backseat driver... but I feel that it's the best way I can contribute. It is not as if I will simply tell people what to do. I offer to help in any way I can. It's well known to me that I've always had a much easier time helping other people do their work than actually doing my own. The evidence is enormous. I tend to be quite selfless in this way. But this selflessness is part of the reason I'm in the place I am today. I neglected my own work for the sake of helping other people. As a result, I had terrible grades and didn't learn how to stick up for myself or do work for myself. My job search benefits one person only. Me. Since I find it difficult to do things for myself, I give myself the shaft by not going about it whole-heartedly. Yet, when someone calls and tells me that they could use some help, want to see me, etc. etc., I almost break my back trying to make it so. (This is all a little short-sighted of me too. Obviously, with money I'd be able to help more people in the future. Particularly kids...) Just this past weekend, I played host to a family friend from Boston and her two nieces from Sweden. After having them spend a night at my house, I went with them to NYC and showed them some sights. Tomorrow I'm driving to York, PA to help my 92-year-old great-uncle with some house and yard work. I'm also going there to get the heck out of this house. I really don't think I can do any serious work here at home. --- I feel awful... and, while I'd like to pin all of the blame on everything else, I can't. Heck, even when I'm really not the one to blame, I blame myself anyway. When people ask me what can be done in some kind of relationship squabble, where the "right" side isn't apparent, I say the first thing you can fix is yourself. See what you could be doing better and try to work on it. Only then do you have a right to try and change another party. If you can't change yourself, how can you expect others to change? If neither of you can possibly change, then there's nothing to be angry about. This is how I remain so forgiving of others. (Many are often amazed at how forgiving I can be... others call it "glutton for punishment"...) I study psychology to figure out how and why people behave the way they do. It is what allows me to be as loving as I am, because I understand how a person could reach almost any conclusion. However I fear psychiatry because, in that one-on-one relationship, there is the possibility of me being gravely wrong. Also, while I can listen and understand people very well, I don't feel I know enough to tell people how to fix problems. Even then, I have only really dealt with one kind of person... the smart depressive. What if a manic schizophrenic came in and asked for my help? I'd have no idea what to do. Still, the more I think about it, the more it seems like a good choice for me. All I'm lacking now is further education.. I would like to take it further than that though. I think I could do more good work towards psycho- and socio-theory. If I'm not great at fixing individual people's problems, then I am better at recognizing certain patterns in people, society, and culture. I think I'm pretty good at looking at a complex system and simplifying it so that it makes more sense. Seeing how the world works and encouraging others to do the same is my goal. --- Some people have asked me why I keep an online journal, and not a private one. There are a few reasons. The largest, I think, is that I can say things here without necessarily worrying about what others want to hear. I can talk about anything I want, how ever often I want. My interests are so broad and far-reaching that I don't often get the chance to communicate them in normal relations. What I'd like this journal to do is to paint a complete picture of who I am deep inside. What I try not to do here is to describe specifics about my relationships with other people, mostly out of respect of their privacy and my own. I'm not always proud of my judgements of other people, so I tend to keep quiet on that, especially since many of you know or are the people I'm thinking about. I also try to stay away from daily goings-on, as there are usually "more important things to talk about". I may say a lot of high-minded things here, but in execution my life is quite different. How I act in person almost entirely depends on the people I am with at the time. I try to accomodate them as best as I can. What I wish is for this to happen in two-directions. I provide something they need, and they provide something I need. ...and what do I need? Someone to tell me something I didn't know, someone to slap me straight when I need motivation, someone who doesn't care that I'm not funny all the time, someone who indeed cares about everyone, someone who understands how I look at the world and see beauty everywhere, someone to keep me warm at night... To some, I think that I may appear quite two-faced (or three-, or four-..). When somebody says "Just be yourself!" I'm not really sure what that means in my case. This is how I am. I am a smart, kind person with many faults. I'm not proud of my faults, because I know I could somehow do better. To my amazement, it seems that in the 2+ years I've had this journal I've somehow inspired, in whole or in part, several other people to take up journals of their own. I'm not quite sure what people find interesting here. In fact, I have a hard time understanding exactly what people like about me as an individual... don't be offended if I somehow ask you up front about it. There are many things I like about myself, but I would like to know if my idea and others' match somewhere. --- So, I came back from York, picking up my mom at Newark on the way. My uncle and I spent 4 hours on Wednesday putting driveway sealer down on his driveway... only for it to all wash off by way of violent thunderstorm.. Such is life! ttfn Current Mood: weird (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 26th, 2004
3:16 pm	twenty-nine new hires You are YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION. Sometimes, you wonder why you couldn't just be Canadian. Some people say you are weird. You have an interesting sense of humor and a meaningless life. But, you're nearly Canadian, so did you expect better? Which old school Nickelodeon show are you? As you know already, I'm looking for some good employment. Therefore, I'm going to do a dastardly thing and sell myself in my own journal space... hah! Hey, may as well, right? (and keep the snickering to yourselves!) This is just a quick and dirty description of what I'm looking for, most formalities aside...: I'm looking for employment in a media-related industry or education. What can I do for you? Solve people-computer problems. My background is in I.T. and Psychology, so I think I'm particularly well-suited to these kinds of problems. If you take a look at my past experience, you will see that nearly all of my work relied on a heavy understanding of what people want and delivering it. The computer in these cases is only used as a means and a tool. My goal is for people to quit fighting their computers and instead use them for something else... almost forgetting that there is a computer standing between you and what you want to do. Not only that, but I can do text and graphic layout fairly well. In nearly each organization I was involved in, I was heavily involved in designing promotional materials and logos for use on assorted swag (glassware, t-shirts, posters, stickers, magnets, etc.). I am a hard worker. (hey, don't laugh!) It's true. Anyone who knows me can recall how I often bend over backwards and sometimes break myself in two to accomodate others. When somebody needs something of me, I try my best to deliver. This ability translates especially well into the job space. If you'd like, you can also see my resume. ---- I notice that I haven't written any political comments in this journal really... and I also haven't mentioned religion in a while. Well... Bush needs to go. (and) Yay Unitarian Universalism! More on those later... I'm feeling dumber by the minute. The more time I spend at this computer, at home, and the less I read, the worse my writing gets. Time to go and do something about it! ttfn! Current Mood: distressed (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 23rd, 2004
11:33 pm	fact #twenty-eight You have Wondering eyes. You're not quite focused and you're quite the day dreamer. You're a bit odd and as many say "Your head is in the clouds." What type of eyes do you have? I'm in a tough place right now. I've graduated. My mom has no job. I have no job. I'm living at home. There is not one single person living nearby that I could call right now and ask to hang with. All I have to do right now is house-sit and job-search. I have been on somewhat of a movie spree though. This past week I've rented The Manchurian Candidate (original), The French Connection, Time Bandits, Spy Kids 2, and Shattered Glass. I bought Bad Santa and Monty Python's The Meaning of Life. I've often wondered if I should actually start writing reviews for the movies I watch. Could I possibly make it anywhere as a film critic? People say I'm a good writer but, like I said before, this takes a lot of effort. I've never really had the desire to review movies, mostly because the reasons I like certain movies over others are nebulous. Any explanation of them would be entirely inadequate or overly convoluted. I did want to mention Bad Santa though. This is the most foul and offensive thing I have ever seen on a screen. (Thankfully I've never seen toilet porn.) Yet, it is also the funniest thing to come about in a long long time. The extents to which this movie goes are absolutely jaw-dropping. Consider how Billy Bob Thorton, as a crooked department store Santa, shows up intoxicated to work, destroys a paper-mache reindeer, pisses his red Santa pants, and later bangs plus-size women in the store dressing rooms. I suppose the laughter comes not from straight comedy but from the shear shock and awe of seeing all of this on screen. It was recently released on DVD, but I would only recommend it to those who are not easily offended. If you are, stay far far away from this movie. Back to my current situation. Becky has broken it off (permanently? I haven't the foggiest.) for reasons that she even finds hard to say. She says she needs time to figure out her own life first. Well, OK. I not once tried to influence her decisions on the rest of her life. I suspect there's more to this than is being said. There's not much I can do right now. The bottom line is that I need to meet some more amicable people in the area, Becky or not. To further this along, you can see that I've finally upgraded my journal picture to something that resembles me and not me as an old cartoon santa claus. I've added dozens of new interests in the interest fields. ..and I'm trying to bring this journal up to speed, all in hopes that curious people may get a better idea of who I am. There is one last thing here I wanted to address before ending. It's regarding my 'entertainment value' or how I act around different groups of people, or one-on-one. Look, I know I'm not the funniest nor the most engaging person for people to hang around with, at least for most of you. It all really depends on the others in the group and the topic at hand. I'm not much for chit-chat normally. If the topic strays to personal problems, philosophy, religion, psychology, politics, etc., then I can chat up a storm. These issues matter to (most) people. I'd much rather spend my energy trying to help people sort through life than gossipping about who's wearing what. In the end, it's not just the topic that matters. In fact, the topic doesn't matter at all if the person I'm speaking to is enthusiastic about what they're saying. Want to tell me about your awesome entomological specimen collection? Great! I'd want to know more. If the person speaking is really moved by what they speak of, I am automatically in tune and interested. This topic obviously makes this person excited. By asking questions and caring, I can bring some joy to this person and also learn something for myself. This is a win-win scenario... but this is where the dreaded psychologist in me comes in. I'm interested in what makes the person so passionate about this one thing. What about insects do they love so much? Unfortunately, I tend to analyze anything people say this way... Wait, why is that unfortunate? If it leads me to a better understanding of him or her and of people in general, where is the harm? Why should you be offended that I'm trying to analyze you? I only wish people would do the same for me sometime. I want to be asked questions. Ask me anything. Find out why I like something. Maybe I'll surprise you and you can learn something. ttfn! Current Mood: ditzy (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
1:18 am	Dwadziescia siedem (twenty-seven) You are one of the few out there whose wings are truly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, and divine, you are one blessed with a certain cosmic grace. You are unequalled in peacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being of Light your wings are massive and a soft white or silver. Countless feathers grace them and radiate the light within you for all the world to see. You are a defender, protector, and caretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiver of the wrong, chances are you are taken advantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often. But your innocence and wisdom sees the good in everyone and so this mistreatment does not make you colder. Merciful to the extreme, you will try to help misguided souls find themselves and peace. However not all Angelics allow themselves to be gotten the better of - the Seraphim for example will be driven to fighting for the sake of Justice and protection of those less powerful. Congratulations - and don't ever change - the world needs more people like you. *~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~* My japanese name is 森田 Morita (forest field) 大輝 Taiki (large radiance) Take your real japanese name generator! today! I'm in a miserable mood right now, tired and depressed, and that's probably not the best state to be writing this in. Oh well. Before another few months pass again, let me relate to you what happened in my Moral Development class this past semester. Remember (or not) how in post #18--4.3.2003, I proposed an all encompassing system in dealing with people. This system could be used for any relationship one would ever be in, whether it was to a close friend, distant group, or something in between. Well, I consider myself to be in some sort of relationship with absolutely everyone. The system to work with all this I called Compassion and Respect. A few weeks into the semester, in Moral Development class, the professor introduced the first of two all-inclusive moral development theories. This theory was developed by a fellow named Kohlberg at Harvard. Well, after many years of research, Kohlberg declared that all of morality can be summed up in 5 (or 6) levels of respect! A fellow researcher named Gilligan charged that respect can't possibly encompass all of morality, so she introduced a seperate parallel track of moral development built on compassion. The theories describe how people develop their moral skills from childhood to adulthood, and how people adapt and evolve their moral systems as they grow. The theories are quite sophisticated which is why we studied them for nearly the whole semester, and also why I can't adequately describe them here. To think, though, that I came to the exact same conclusions in this very journal is extraordinary, at least for me... You may all think I'm loony but I don't really mind. I've recently been taken to task for being too nice to people. I tend to show the same kindness to strangers as I do to my closest relatives. This has a predictable affect: Strangers feel closer and the close ones feel further. I've heard the complaint that I'll tell strangers more than I tell friends. Well, here's the deal. I will always answer your questions. Always. There's hardly anything I love doing more. However, it's hard for me to simply volunteer information about myself because it's often difficult to keep track of who knows what. A question solves this problem quite simply. If you ask, I see that you want to know. A stranger knows nothing about me. They are usually curious about who I am. A "friend", after a certain point, can think they've got you packaged and categorized as a certain type of person because they "know you so well". Strangers can do this at first glance too, but they are much more open to the unexpected. A stranglehold that a friend has on this categorization can be much stronger and harder to break. ... It is late now and I need to go to sleep. Unfortunately I have neither the time nor energy right now to really tell all about what is going on in my life. I'll leave you with my favorite (and happiest) moment from the trip to Europe: This is overlooking the coastline near Cannes in France, on the Côte D'Azur (French Riviera). Current Mood: morose (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 5th, 2004
9:43 am	twenty-six dealings These past 2.5 weeks after graduation have been decidedly frustrating. Actually, in some way, my entire life up to this point has been fairly frustrating for me. I'm convinced, now more than ever, that I have ADD. Some people can say, once they figure this out or once it's told to them, that "oh, it's such a relief to know that finally!" It's not a relief for me. I've known for a while now, but upon reading some of "Driven to Distraction", a book that was loaned to me, I am positive. Unfortunately, I didn't really get into reading it until a few days before I had to return it. I didn't even get into the diagnosis or treatment chapters and only got to read the testimonials. I will have to buy it for myself to see how it ends! A friend of mine was asked recently, "If you were to describe Michal as an animal, which animal would he be?" The answer this person gave was "squirrel", something I really wouldn't have thought of before. The idea was that I frequently, quickly, and much too easily turn my attention to something other that what I am doing, often with squirrelly herky-jerk motions. To do otherwise requires great capacities on my part or the part of whomever wants to be listened to. As I've grown less reserved and more social over the past few years, this problem has been getting much worse. People can get the impression that I really don't care about what they're saying. Someone could speak a few sentences before I even notice that I'm missing completely what one is saying. What usually happens after that is me trying to save face by piecing together what was said through context. Worse is when I have to have someone repeat the same 3 or 4 times for me to hear it. At a party or some other crowded noisy place?.. Just forget it entirely. But "Attention Deficit" is a bit of a misnomer. I don't think the problem is that I lack the ability to give attention. The problem is that I have difficulty with more than one attention-seeker at a time. I surmise this is the case because the problem is relatively new to me. I grew up on TV, movies, and my computer. In each of these cases, the only thing that was there to even receive attention was the screen. Everything else was dark. There were no such things as multiple AIM conversations at once. It was just the computer games and the chat with the whole group in between games. There were many a night during high school that I sat in my room playing until 3am. I had no social life. None outside of this one game I played, Myth. I wasn't sheltered to the greater outside world, but to the world as it exists for a teenager. Now, everything is different. Several people want to speak to me at any given point. (I'm still not totally clear or sure why that is.) I'd have 3 AIM tabs open, someone on the phone, plus I'd be checking up on the latest news or perhaps even trying to do some work. Even a simple phone conversation is difficult. I have to completely rid myself of whatever I'm doing and wherever I am (no small task) for the conversation to be decent. Extremely frustrating. If I'm speaking to someone in person, I can at least watch the ebb and flow of emotions on the face and body. In the end, every entity I'm trying to relate to ends up being slighted in some way. This even happens if there are no people involved. Just me sitting at my laptop trying to do work is a disaster. For me to even start trying to write this particular entry took me more than two months. In between entries I think alot about what I want to write... Actually, I want to write what I think about a lot. It requires a couple of hours, at least, for me to finish a journal entry. I'm pretty sure this particular one will have me up for quite a while. I've had lots to think about, and the way I write things isn't particularly helpful either. Had this been a stream of consciousness essay, it'd be completely incoherent. I try at least a little to have some structure or flow to these things. As I re-read earlier paragraphs, I usually add several more sentences to flesh out an idea. It is no wonder that I have trouble completing any writing assignment. ... I've gotta cut this one short (or is that long?). For those who do not know, I'm leaving for Europe this afternoon and will be away for a whole month with 2 friends. Of course, you wouldn't otherwise be able to tell given the frequency of entries. I'll be in London, Amsterdam, Brussels, Paris, Geneva, Aix-en-Provence, Nice, Dresden, and Warsaw. For next time: Compassion and Respect redux Current Mood: crazy (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 29th, 2004
11:35 pm	twenty-five cents I'm not feeling well at all, having had severe cough and congestion problems for the past week, so I'm going to keep my comments on this entry brief so that I can go to bed sooner rather than later. Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving: The Architect Which Jung-Myers-Briggs Personality Type are you? If you can, take some time to take this useful survey. At the results page, you'll see links to detailed type descriptions. The quoted text below is from those pages for INTP. from http://keirsey.com/personality/ntip.html "...Their major interest is in figuring out structure, build, configuration -- the spatiality of things. As the engineering capabilities of the Architects increase so does their desire to let others know about whatever has come of their engineering efforts. So they tend to take up an informative role in their social exchanges." Informative is right. I seem to have information in abundance. Hence why I work at IPAC. I may be a bit too informative sometimes, as when watching a movie, where I'd say, "Did you know that she was in this other movie, and that movie was directed by this director's brother's daughter-in-law's great aunt's former roommate?" (Perhaps not quite to that extent. =) "On the other hand they have less and less desire, if they ever had any, to direct the activities of others. Only when forced to by circumstance do they allow themselves to take charge of activities, and they exit the role as soon as they can without injuring the enterprise." I am best at offering information and ideas. What people do with those ideas and information is really up to them. Almost never will I coerce somebody to do anything -- not even something that I really want to see done. I firmly believe that the course towards action has to be taken by each individual him/herself. Self-actualization is the key to right action. from http://typelogic.com/intp.html "A major concern for INTPs is the haunting sense of impending failure. They spend considerable time second-guessing themselves. The open-endedness (from Perceiving) conjoined with the need for competence (NT) is expressed in a sense that one's conclusion may well be met by an equally plausible alternative solution, and that, after all, one may very well have overlooked some critical bit of data. An INTP arguing a point may very well be trying to convince himself as much as his opposition. In this way INTPs are markedly different from INTJs, who are much more confident in their competence and willing to act on their convictions." It's true. I try my very best to remind myself that I might not always be right. This keeps my mind open to all possibilities. Of course the drawback is that too many choices and self-doubts tend to sabotage alot of thoughts and actions that actually *would* have been good to have and make. "Feeling tends to be all or none. When present, the INTP's concern for others is intense, albeit naive. In a crisis, this feeling judgement is often silenced by the emergence of Thinking, who rushes in to avert chaos and destruction. In the absence of a clear principle, however, INTPs have been known to defer judgement and to allow decisions about interpersonal matters to be left hanging lest someone be offended or somehow injured. INTPs are at risk of being swept away by the shadow in the form of their own strong emotional impulses" Holy crap, do I get into trouble with this one... This happens all the time, with the key phrase being "all or none." I will often find myself in a situation where I seem to care incredibly about a person and in no time at all switch to seeming indifference. First, it's very easy for me to be seen as indifferent because I simply don't say very much aloud. But then how is one supposed to tell the difference between my real and 'fake' indifference? Hmm, but, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm having a hard time coming up with an example of my real indifference. I think it'll have to wait for another time, as it is now time for some rest and relaxation. Meanwhile, feel free to take the time to try this survey out! For more info on the INTP type, see the links above the quotes. ttfn! Current Mood: sick (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 26th, 2004
1:38 am	24 ...and now for something completely different: the VIA Signature Strengths Survey. 1. Appreciation of beauty and excellence (Awe) You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience. 2. Curiosity and interest in the world You are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery. 3. Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind. 4. Love of learning You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn. 5. Perspective (wisdom) Although you may not think of yourself as wise, your friends hold this view of you. They value your perspective on matters and turn to you for advice. You have a way of looking at the world that makes sense to others and to yourself. What do you think? These are my five "Signature Strengths", according to Authentic Happiness. Now, this isn't another bull (but entertaining and sometimes informative) survey from Quizilla. The book and website were created by the recent president of the American Psychological Association. If you have about 20 mins or so, I encourage you to try it out. All that's required is an email address, and I assure you there's no spam involved. This is science, and also good therapy. As I mentioned in my last entry, Authentic Happiness is one of the textbooks for my Positive Psychology class. The purpose of this survey is to identify a person's 'signature strengths'. These strengths are what one should focus on in their daily life. We have this obsession with our faults: over-analyzing them constantly, trying to eradicate them. However, we rarely discover and cater to what we're good at and what makes us happy. About my results: First of all, you can see a list of all the possible strengths. Intimacy, or the ability to love and be loved, is not on my list. I wish it was. It'd make things so much easier. If you notice, 4 out of 5 of my strengths fall under the category of Wisdom and Knowledge. Even the one strength that isn't, Awe, is what enables all of the others. Early on in life I got this idea that knowledge was nearly everything, so that's how I developed. I soaked up any information I could. I got this idea of how things work and how they fit together. Heck, the first book I remember actively reading on my own is My First Encyclopedia, no joke. (I still have it with me.) My atlas-reading and movie-watching were key. I know so many things about different areas of life that I can relate anything to anything else somehow. This is why I love working at IPAC. At IPAC (Information and Personal Assistance Center), our job is to answer anything. Really. I love it because I can give people what they're asking for and be good at it. If I don't know the answer, then I know precisely how to find it and I learned something new. All that and I get paid for it. I could really do something like that for the rest of my life. Forever helpful and forever learning. Since I like to observe things, I strive to be objective. The problem is, to be objective, I tend to remain fairly distant, not letting the other person know that I'm there. This has huge counteracting effects on Intimacy of course. How can I let someone love me if I barely even let them? And if they do, I forever doubt it because they 'obviously' aren't seeing the 'real' me. Wait. What if that is the real me? Can I ever be other than my objective observing self? Is it possible for me to melt into a puddle of heartful mush? I simply don't know. I do know that being me is pretty exhausting and often unfulfilling. See? I went straight back into analyzing my faults again. Ah well, I'm exhausted. ttfn! Current Mood: drunk (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
6:12 pm	twenty-three initiates Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but its there, and your friends can see it. You constantly feel alone, and need to do things to fill your time. Your afraid to tell people this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad way, and you think you screwed up everything. And when you are in love is when you are sad the most. What Emotion Dominates you? Lately I've been getting the impression that people view me as a sort of airhead, and I've felt like one too. The only people who might see differently are those that read this. When I meet someone new, especially someone I might take a liking to, I become a total bumbling idjit. I'm taking 18 credits this semester. Studio Design in HCI, Learning Theory, Moral Development, Positive Psychology, and an undergrad psychology thesis. I'm auditing Moral Dev so that I don't have to write the papers and concentrate more on my other courses and thesis. (Lately, I've seriously been having nightmares about papers that don't even exist.) For my thesis, I haven't really decided what to do yet. I would love to do something related to religion, but the problem is, this being a psych. thesis, that everything must be based on empirical data. What could I possibly measure about religion and psychology that is sufficiently quantitative and meaningful? I recommend Positive Psychology to everyone. At first glance, it seems rediculously hokey. Some books we use in class are titled "Authentic Happiness" and "The Pursuit of Happiness", and people laughed when they saw them. (Heck, I did too.) The premise is the opposite of normal, clinical psychology. Instead of curing disease, you nurture well-being. This means concentrating on your core strengths and applying them as much as possible. The difference between this and any sort of "spirituality" is that its findings are based on controlled experiments in happiness and other empirical research. Our assignment this week is about increasing positive emotion about the past. We're to record three things that went well each day, and then explain why we think it happened. I offer to you my first set from yesterday: 1. A friend whom I haven't seen or spoke to in several weeks. IMed me late today and offered me her Pepsi/iTunes code for a free song. It didn't work for some reason or another when I tried to redeem it. I thanked her anyway. Why? She said she had no way to redeem the code herself, and she saw that I had put up my own Pepsi/iTunes tally on my away message. She's a thoughtful, generous person and was also possibly looking for a way to reconnect with me after not speaking for so long. 2. I finished and submitted my design for the front of the IPAC brochure, to everyone's approval at the meeting. Unbeknownst to everyone there, I managed to sneak in fonts from Apple and Lord of the Rings... ha! Why? My design and aesthetic sense plus experience in graphic design allowed me to put together something that the other coordinators would approve of and also serve its purpose to be put on the front of an IPAC brochure. 3. My mom called me this evening to tell me that she found $300 round-trip tickets to Paris, in regards to my trip to Europe after graduation. Why? My mom is always looking out or me, and is eager to help in any way she can. She was also looking for advice regarding the purchase of a new laptop for herself. That's all for now. More of this assignment and my thesis later. (I'll take suggestions!) Some surprises too. ttfn! Current Mood: blank (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 4th, 2004
4:52 pm	twenty-two years old Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You? Where have my journal writings gone? They are so few and far between. Lately, I feel I've simply been clamming up. Nobody knows what I'm really thinking because I wasn't telling anybody, and it's hard to read on my expression. Part of this was the difficult position of Membership Vice-President I held for APO. As MVP, it was my duty to listen to other people's problems and try to help them resolve. It was crucial that I remain impartial. Still, that's not the whole story. Even now, where I'm no longer MVP, I'm finding it difficult to say anything at all. I see that my mother is concerned about me and I have no idea what to say to her. Perhaps it is my desire to finally remove some of my dependence on her, considering the fact that I'm graduating. And that brings me to my greatest fear: graduation, or, better to say, "commencement". I find it terrifying. In a few short months I will be out of college. I have little faith in finding a job for myself. My class rank is 112 out of 117 in my major. Sheesh. At least I'm fairly sure I'll be getting a degree, and at a good school, no less. Yet I still haven't the foggiest what kind of job I'm suited for. Seeing things clearly and pointing things out and making criticisms and helping people with it is hard to find money for. I'm sure this particular topic will be visited again later this semester. Another large concern regarding graduation is how I will get a social life again. I struggled all through primary school to find one, but failed. To get where I am now at RPI, it has taken 4.5 years. I'm pretty satisfied now, save for the low number of women here. The odds (1:3) are not in the guys' favor. That all changes after graduation. Friends go off their seperate ways. New friends must be made. It's finding the initial hook that scares me. I had two at RPI: Cinema and APO, both school organizations. But what in the so-called Real World? (Perhaps getting myself onto an episode of Real World? hah!) Who knows? Once I find one though, maybe it won't be so difficult. Actually, thinking back on it, it will be a bit exciting. I'm still quite shy, but I've overcome just enough shyness to be able to seek out and meet new people. Thank goodness. One thing to look forward to will be a trip to France, England, and Poland immediately following graduation (as a graduation gift). I still haven't been to either France or England, so it should be much fun. Now, who's coming with me? I'll probably be taking Moral Development and Learning this semester, so you can look forward to some deeper writings later on. =) ttfn! Current Mood: discontent (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 14th, 2003
2:44 am	legal at twenty-one Which of the Greek gods are you? Morpheus It has been a while, once again. I'd like to say that things have changed since I wrote last and, indeed, some things have. But other things seem to stay the same. I made it through last semester, but not well. B, C, and C. Only three classes. Should've been easy, right?... This is my problem. I don't place a high priority on doing my classwork. Why is this? I've been wondering this myself for years. I almost feel as if I don't need to justify my knowledge to other people who simply don't care about me. In fact, this was partly why I moved to private school after 9th grade. I stopped doing work cuz nobody gave a shit, nobody cared. My greatest motivator was always other people. If others depended on the work I was doing, I would do it as best I could. I put enormous pressure on myself to do so. Case in point, Fall 2001: The weekend immediately following the end of classes I went to the hospital for appendicitus. For a whole two weeks beforehand, I had to force myself to eat anything at all. I could not take more than one bite into a hamburger, even after not eating for two whole days. Hunger was nonexistent. I lost 40 pounds that semester. For Managing IT Resources that semester there was an enormous term project for which I was charged with designing the entire technological portion. I did it, and it took weeks of meeting with the client, and sleepless nights before our group presentation. We get an A on the project. My final grade in the class is an I. I didn't complete any of the case studies, I failed the mid-term exam, and I did not take the final due to my stay at the hospital. The next semester I talk to the professor who also happened to be my advisor. He gave me the chance to take the class again in the fall but not having to do the term project again. Fall 2002 comes along and I don't retake the class. (I'm sure I had some reason at the time, like a scheduling conflict, but I can't recall exactly what it was.) Mistake. So here we are in Fall 2003 now, and I'm back in that class. I'm participating a little more in class discussion, but I'm falling back into my trap. I haven't completed a single case study and the mid-term is tomorrow, and instead of studying I'm writing this to get out some frustration. I never believed in this class. I like the market concepts, but the numbers given are mostly just BS. They ask for us to justify our projects on a cost vs. benefits basis. The systems involved deal with people and as such are much more complicated than we are led to believe. One can't put a numerical value on human interaction. The project I'm involved with this semester I don't believe in either, and once again I am stuck with the technology portion. Why, when I'm not even a CS major/minor nor programmer hobbyist, and in fact dislike programming? Because I'm the only one that knows how. I'm sick and tired of being forced into these situations, simply because I'm smart and have taken the time to learn and explore so that I could be better at what I do. (...and what do I "do"? That's another story, mayhaps.) The others took the same classes I did. They should know how to do this stuff too. Now, I hope I didn't lose you yet. This entry so far is getting awfully close to your dime-a-dozen rant and gripe journal. The difference now is that I'm going to try and point out the problems evident in the above. These things hint at much deeper problems that I've been wrestling with. Obviously my view of homework is completely wacko. Someone could easily say, "Just think, getting better grades will net you a better job and give you more opportunities." I can't really argue there. I'm not sure what causes this shortsightedness. To what extent do I value other people's opinions over my own? Sometimes it seems that I have very few opinions of my own. You may look at me and think otherwise, but I can tell you that many things I say or do have originated somewhere else. The only reason it appears original is because I know where it comes from and you don't. I feed on the opinions and ideas of other people. I feel like a fraud. I don't feel 'creative' as I should be. But just the opposite may be true as well. I could just be being hard on myself, as usual. Heck, all knowledge must come from other knowledge anyway. I've often said that one of my greatest strengths was being able to look at something, anything, and critique it effectively. I can look at a project plan and tell you exactly what the problems will be, what is missing, what is good. Perhaps I should be a teacher? This ability to forsee problems can be a curse too. I'm almost never satisfied with my work, as I can always see ways to improve it. I may also come across as a little too negative just pointing out potential problems. I create lots of additional work for myself this way. Stuff that people would never think of, but, if it is done, is great. People can actually value my ideas. OK, great! Something I'm really good at. But what good is it if I don't follow my own advice? I say, "this this and this need to be done," but who's going to do it now? If it's classwork, then it's work I probably didn't want to do in the first place, and now I have more of it. If other people depend on it then sure, I'll trudge through it reluctantly, somehow. If it was part of a job, then it would be even easier to do. I've always been a good worker when it came to working for hire. But I am my own worst employee. If it's simply for myself that I need to do something, it's very difficult to motivate myself to do it at all. Clean my room? Not unless I expect company or I begin to find it unbearable. (...and if you know me, I find very few things absolutely unbearable.) So I've rambled for long enough, and it seems like this is the longest entry so far! And I didn't even mention my religion paper nor my summer as a counselor at a Jewish co-ed camp. ttfn! Current Mood: apathetic (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
6:20 am	twenty meters from the start What kind of kiss are you? You have a goodbye kiss: much passion and longing, but never lasting. It's been almost a year since I started this journal, and this is the twentieth entry, meaning any entries after this will push the old ones to another page... woah, finally! =) It's the end of the semester again, and that means I go insane for the last week and a half. Classes end on 4/30. Pardon me if I seem a little evasive for the next several days, as I really have tremendous work to do: 4/28 All-inclusive final exam in Personality Theory 4/29 20-page Philosophy of Religion paper due 4/30 DSA final project due Yep, this paper is due Tuesday. I submitted a proposal for the paper which offers the question, "Has God become obsolete?" You can check out the proposal for yourself. And now, continued from part 19...: 6. I respect the teachings of the prophets very much for the fact that they have been able to reach so many people so easily with a (generally) good message. While I look skeptically upon the side of the supernatural, I see how the philosophies taught by the prophets are extremely useful. Over the years, however, these social messages have been lost almost entirely in the quagmire that is now religion. These messages being Jesus' love and forgiveness, Buddha's noble truths and enlightenment, Confuscius' traditions and social order, and many others. For me, the book, The World's Religions by Huston Smith, has been instrumental in learning about these philosophies. To begin to understand how the world works, one must understand how religion and philosophy defines the way people live around the world. I strongly encourage everyone who has the slightest interest to read this book. 7. I will be the first to admit that the way I think can be very depressing and difficult: Possibly no purpose in life, little faith in the infallible, not knowing anything to be the absolute truth, plus the burden of responsibility. One can see how easy it would be to sink quickly into despair. I have been there. Where can I find strength then? If I can't have utter faith in a god, where does my faith lie, if I have any? First, we must examine faith itself, or at least how I'm defining it here. Faith is the belief that something exists or happens, without the need for absolute proof or justification. As Webster's says, it is "Belief. Partial or full assurance without positive knowledge or absolute certainty." One could compare it to trust. A person of Christian faith trusts that God exists and that Jesus died for our sins, among other things. Their faith is, by their own definition, unwavering or the "full assurance". Now let me explain the kind of faith that I have. (No, I haven't said what it's in yet.) In just about everything, my faith can only be the "partial assurance". One can call this anywhere from indecisiveness to open-mindedness. Why am I this way? Simple. I refuse to be deluded. I want to make the best decisions possible. I want to do what's best. If I had absolute faith in something, then there would be no possibility of me accepting another view that could potentially be correct. Many of the great discoveries of the past were clearly at odds with the conventional thinking of their times, e.g. Copernicus' orbits and Columbus' voyages to the West. We wouldn't have these if these people didn't question what was given to them. Without questioning what is around us, how can we get anywhere? (see, Dark Ages) Unfortunately, to be questioning like this can be tiring sometimes, and can bog down many people considerably. What it might mean is that I have to reevaluate, to an extent, everything that I know whenever I learn something new. It's hard work. And yet I keep on anyway. Why? Because I have faith that it will do good... that it may reveal more of the truth. (Briefly on truth: the more truth we have, the better we can judge and work with the world around us.) This faith is not unfounded either. Heck, I just gave some examples. I may have given the impression that we have to question every single little thing that we know. Well, this will get us nowhere either. There are points when it is impractical to be so questioning. One has to know when it is appropriate to move along and when to stop and think. What is most practical at that point in time, in that situation? Unblinking acceptance won't do anything for us in the long run, and neither will total skepticism. What's needed, then, is a combination of the two. Practicality. Skepticism to the point where it doesn't interfere too much with our daily life. Yes, I am a skeptic, but I have learned that sometimes it can interfere very much with what one wants or needs to do. There are decisions that must be made. A full-blown skeptic will dwell on them until it is too late to act. I think that's enough for now... It's 6.20am anyway. =P ttfn! Current Mood: weird (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 14th, 2003
2:17 am	nineteen minutes Brief note before continuing: On Thursday this week, I ended up wearing four different school-organization-related shirts throughout the day, which is fairly indicative of my activites. Grand Marshall (GM) Week shirt, APO's Meanest Man On Campus (MMOC) shirt, Information and Personal Assistance Center (IPAC) shirt, and finally my UPAC Cinema shirt, on the occasion of our first showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show in many years! The APO Section 88/89 Conference at Alfred U. was fun. However, there wasn't nearly as much opportunity to meet new people as there had been at the SLU project and Plattsburgh sectionals. *sigh* Continued from part 18: I had always considered church a sort of duty. It was just something that people did. I was never asked to examine what I was supposedly worshiping. I had to take it on faith. College, of course, is an environment designed to foster learning and introspection (ideally, anyway). From the moment I came to RPI, I haven't gone to church, save for once more for Christmas of my freshman year, as by then I still didn't feel confident enough. It was during spring break of that year that I told my parents. Thankfully, I seem to have a very understanding family. (Two of my first cousins are in fact Buddhist.) Fast forward to this semester, my eighth at RPI. I'm a substantially different person now. Many of those close to me throughout this time know what I have been through; Most of everyone else does not. I can chalk up this change to more knowledge and more experience. Now I feel as if I'm in a place where I can, somewhat adequately, explain my thoughts and feelings on this. The story of me getting to this point is a long one, and I wish I had this outlet to keep track of it. It would have been fascinating. So now then. I don't really have faith in God or gods or spirits. This, BY NO MEANS, implies that I can say to someone who believes differently that they are wrong. As I said before, below is why I think my view is more probable and beneficial, and I'll also point out some disadvantages to my view. 1. All human-based 'evidence' of the supernatural (which is what we're talking about) can conceivably be explained in some fashion by psychology. For an example, take the notion of divine visions and revelations. It has been proven in other instances that humans are entirely capable of hallucinations of this sort. We might not understand it completely yet, but that doesn't mean they are of supernatural origin. In the same fashion, simple feelings of this kind can be caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, and also by drugs. 2. As far as historical accounts go, it is very plain to see in our daily lives how mundane stories can become grossly exaggerated into myths and legends over a short period of time. Imagine what decades or millenia can do. 3. I believe that faith in the un-palpatable supernatural draws too much attention away from the nature that is quite readily in front of us. This is not true of all, but there are millions of people who are completely blind to the world around them, because they're preoccupied with the world they cannot see. 4. "There is no fate but what we make." (Kudos if you know where that quote comes from.) Many believe that God has a plan for us. For some this means that, no matter what we do, everything will be OK in the end. What if that is wrong? What if the world does become uninhabitable at some point in the future as science predicts? Well then, we're pretty much f--ked if we haven't done anything about it. And for those that do believe, it is entirely possible to satisfy both God and humanity at the same time. Again, if there is a God, and if He does have a plan, then we're "OK in the end." Otherwise, we should be worrying about the here and now and the future of the here and now. God and humanism are NOT mutually exclusive. 5. It is indeed true that religion has been an extremely useful tool in teaching ethics. The problem is that most people disagree on what ethics are. We are never taught why, rationally, it is good to do this or that. We are simply told that God says it is so. Many people often don't ever call into question why they think or do what they do. Why not approach the problem of ethics from a psycho-sociological perspective? For people to accept this, though, would take a LOT of work, as Confuscius observed. ... Once again, to be continued... ttfn! =) Current Mood: exhausted (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 3rd, 2003
1:59 am	eighteen again What color do you see the world in? Neutral: Harmony and balance is key. You don't look at the world in a negative or positive way and you'll never judge or assume a situation - you just look at the facts. People like you are peaceful and accepting. I like that. =) I'll get back to my musings on humanity in a minute, but first a few things: Everyone's up in arms about the hubbub in Iraq. I've got some views and analyses on the subject, but I simply don't have the time to cover them here. I'll leave it at this. (Don't assume anything about my views from that, though.) Over spring break, I really feel like I made at least a couple breakthroughs, in the so-called "quest for self-discovery". I really connected with both of my parents. They were both like completely new people. My mother recently moved into a condominium a few towns over. My childhood home from 1st grade and up is completely lost now. I didn't see it at all over break. The most amazing part is that she made the entire move herself... imagine sorting through 15 years of junk all by yourself! She seems so in-control now.. so sure of herself, it's amazing. What's also extraordinary is my father. In February, he lost both of his parents. I had seen them alive more recently than had he. He went to Poland to bury his mother, returned here, and two weeks later went again after his father died. When I finally saw him over break, it was clear to me that he's been extremely humbled by all of this. We went out to eat, along with Peggy and my brother. Afterwards at his house, he was showing me pictures that my grandfather had collected over the years. I also had to tell him that I had decided to stay for another full year of school, as well as move back on campus... both moves that will cost a lot. I wasn't expecting the feeling of acceptance, understanding, and respect that I received from him. A changed man, I tell you. Or is it that I have changed and he sees this? As a lot of you know, there is nearly always one of your parents that you get along with better than the other, assuming you have a choice. You would also know from experience that, when the other parent calls, it is to talk about your college bills, life's goals, or other 'serious' matters. I get a phone message from my Dad, and I finally reach him after trying for a few days. He tells me that, upon returning to the restaurant we had been in, the waitress was asking about me. You know... in that way. He called me simply to deliver this message. What a dad! I'll leave it at that for now. Back to the paper. The past, present, and future all share one planet and one society. Now we should be asking ourselves, "What should we be doing at this moment, to further the purpose we have chosen?" As you may recall, the purpose we have chosen was "Make as many people happy as possible, with the least suffering." I've already offered one suggestion: Make this planet physically more healthy for the people of the future. This is clearly not happening nearly as well as it could be. I asked earlier, "What is the true happiness?" I offer this quote from a friend who was paraphrasing a portion of Ten Philosophical Mistakes by Mortimer Adler for me: "Happiness is something that is to be worked for. It is the culmination of living your life, of living a 'good' life. Every moment cannot be happy then. Instead you can be content. Contentment is variable from moment to moment." I agree. (I need to read this book sometime.) One cannot expect to be happy all the time in the traditional sense. What I have done to address this so far is propose that our contentment should rely on the fulfillment of our responsibilities to humanity as a whole. Yes, sacrifices will have to be made, especially on a personal level. What sacrifices are these? That's an extremely difficult question that I don't have a complete answer for. Heck, these are all very tough questions. But again, I have already offered one possible answer. Zoom in a little bit and look at a simple interpersonal relationship. Here also I have proposed a way of going about things: Compassion and Respect. A grand simplification to be sure, but several things fall under these categories... acceptance, understanding, communication, etc. All things that (I hope) are commonly accepted as things needed in interpersonal relationships. I want to bring the topic of interest to religion. Before I say anything on this matter though, please read and understand exactly what I'm saying before jumping to conclusions. Do not assume something that is not expressly written, or at least be open to the possibility that you may be wrong in your assumptions about me. I will be first to admit that I may be wrong as well. This is a very touchy issue for many, but I've been wanting to talk about it for a very long time. Let's get this first part out of the way quickly. There is no way I or anyone else can prove whether God exists or not. What I am going to tell you is why I am putting my bets on non-theism. A little background first: I grew up heavily Roman Catholic. My mother's side is Polish, and deeply entrenched in the church. My grandfather is a sociologist of world religions, and knew the current pope, John Paul II, when he was a bishop. I was baptised, received communion, was confirmed, went to CCD (religious education), attended church regularly, and even went to a Catholic high school. I went off to college, and things changed. I was no longer under the direct influence of my parents... no longer seeking their or anyone else's acceptance by going through the motions. I now had to reconsider why I would actually go to church... To be continued. ttfn! Current Mood: drained (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 19th, 2003
1:08 am	"seventeen days?!" "The reason men often mistake the slightest sign of friendliness from a woman as amorous invitation has been resolved by social scientists." "The Science of Flirting" Just minutes after posting my last entry, I'm getting a head start on this one... It seems to be that many people are surprised to learn that I'm in my 4th year at RPI, and that I'm currently 21. Perhaps that's indicative of something else? Well, to share some more news, I am probably most defintely staying for a full 5th year of school, and that's it for this dual B.S., I assure you. ;) A while ago, I put up all my DVDs in a text file on my web server. Well, I now have a much more informative list, although it's only caveat is that it can only be sorted alphabetically. I believe one can gather quite a few things about a person just by looking at the movies he/she sees and owns AND the reasons why they do so. The latest addition to my library is Kieslowski's Three Colors trilogy... I recommend taking a look at it! Some more notes on my last entry. About true love, and persons A and B: A friend with a little experience and who shares my love ideas said, "If you love them, let them go. If it's meant to be, they will come back to you." This doesn't mean that you shouldn't try, but if the person you love wants to be doing something else that's reasonable, you don't have many options. To explain some of my overall reasoning (aka babbling), I'm going to have to dive deeply into my theory of the future of humanity. Note that all this writing I have done and will be doing is partly for my personal benefit, and also to help me write a 20 page term paper for my Philosophy of Religion class. Hopefully some others will get something out of it. What is our ultimate purpose? What a tricky question. First, we must admit the fact that, in our current state, it is impossible for us to answer this fully. You can't even assume that the question has an answer, for it is entirely possible that we have no purpose at all. Wait, what?? Life might not have a purpose? What a blasphemous idea for some! But the truth is we can't prove one way or the other. However, people still need to answer this fundamental question if they want to get on with their lives. For, if we assume a purpose, we can then begin to see what we should be working on. (All we can do is assume, and then hope we were right.) It is true, though, that not everyone chooses or even needs to know their ultimate purpose for them to live a happy life. Here's something I think most people can agree on: Happiness is good. Suffering sucks. So, that would make the purpose "make many people happy as possible, with the least suffering". It's not so simple though. It raises several more questions which we must also consider. What is true happiness? Which people, if we can't make everybody happy, should be happy? How do we accomplish this? Let's look at the history of happiness, or rather, suffering.. I think it's safe to say, in a very general way, that we are in a better position today with respect to suffering than we were in the past. All one needs to do is look at modern medicine. We don't have to fear disease and death nearly as much as we once did. We have also been able to better deal with other forces of nature such as the weather. Science has helped to lead us to this point. So, science is able to alleviate some of our physical suffering. Unfortunately, science has created new sources of suffering as well, such as nuclear and biological weapons, chemical carcinogens, addictive drugs, and pollution of all kinds. From current knowledge, it is clear that the world is in distress. Thousands of tons of pollutants are being pumped into the oceans and the sky, and eventually the world will not be suitable to live on. The very thought of me and my children and everyone else having to live in a future world where the air and sea is full of crap makes me ill. Realize this: it will make everybody physically ill if we don't try to stop it. This is only part of our responsibility to the future. One must think as if the people of the future are putting their trust in their past, which is us of the present. Their lives will be directly effected by everything we do. No one is outside of this responsibility. We all share one planet and one society. What of the now? What is our responsibility to the humanity of the present? I will argue that its needs and the needs of the future are quite similar. There are a few things to consider, as I close this entry. One, I have not yet talked about any social issues really (except in earlier entries). That's to come. Two, I haven't talked about God or religion, either. Also to come. Three, it is not necessary to be aware of this responsibility to do the best thing, but a vast number of people certainly could stand to. Four, I realize I have already made some assumptions, especially about what will make a person happy. I hope to explain those later as well. Five, all of this seems really lofty and high-minded right now, but I'm hoping to whittle it slowly back down to the 'small stuff' eventually. Comments? Gripes? Nasty letters? Seriously, if you don't understand something here, or have a contrasting point of view, I really would want to know. I'll try to explain the best I can. ttfn! Current Mood: scared (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 13th, 2003
10:50 pm	sweet sixteen Last semester, I overheard a conversation two were having in between classes. One person was describing to the other the notion of a "Happy Bank". The Happy Bank's purpose was to keep the balance of happiness and sadness all over the world. If someone deposited their happiness, anyone else could come into the bank and withdraw the happiness. This way, the total happiness in the world remains in balance with the sadness. The question is, what happens when people are born or die? Plus, I'm not sure if I'm currently making deposits or withdrawals... It's been a while (again). How did my trip to Europe end? What's with Becky? Heck, what is up with me? What an extraordinary few months I've had! Due to the sheer amount of material to cover, I'll be forced to omit some details. New Year's Eve in Niderau was spectacular. Imagine a small mountain valley, dark save for scattered house lights, suddenly erupting at midnight. No, this isn't one huge display that everyone goes to the harbor to see. This is something you can see, clearly, happening in the yard of every single house in the valley. It was apparently customary in Alpine Austria to buy one's own fireworks and have your own little get-together. But WOW! From a slope on the side of the valley, you can see into *everyone's* yard, and this was all happening at the same time. This was all in addition to a few somewhat larger displays sponsored by hotels and neighboring towns. The lights and echoes were extraordinary. (Europe pictures to come...) I returned to RPI. Becky and I had agreed earlier that she would spend the week with me during my first week back at school. It did not turn out "well", to say the least. I wish I had the time to offer a full disclosure on what happened, but it is so long ago (mid-January) that I've had several other interesting things to think about since then: things that I'd rather put down here than this. The short of it is that Becky left mid-way through the week, earlier than planned, and we broke up. The night before, she had asked me quite casually, "Are you happy?" I hesitated and said, "no" and things tumbled from there. I couldn't say more than next to nothing throughout the rest of the evening and the next day. I brought her to the train station. What I said was true though; I wasn't happy with her. At least not happy in the way I should have been. ... What the heck does that mean? This is a good time to explain my current theory of relationships. Two things are needed in a good, healthy relationship, whether it's among friends or lovers or anything else. They are compassion and respect. I have seen many relationships where person A is "in love" with person B, but when person B isn't sure, person A doesn't understand. Person A is failing to respect the position of person B. Hold on. Let's say you truly love somebody. What is your primary goal in regards to the person you truly love? To be with them the rest of your days? Wrong. For both of you to be the best person you could be? Correct. (Hmm, to explain why I think this is so, I realize I should instead be working downwards from my theory of humanity, which is to come later.) I was not going to be the best person I could be if I were with Becky. While she embodied some of the qualities I've been looking for, I saw that seeking out that multitude of other things would put too much strain on the relationship. That is, I would be putting the strain on myself in still searching for these other things. I would never cheat, mind you, but I did feel like I was missing something important to me. Back to compassion and respect. I think it's pretty clear that both are needed. There are several obstacles to having the right degree to each though. Many people, including myself, are very susceptible to acting "compassionately" even when we find several things disagreeable about a person. In some ways bad, other ways good. But this is a fake kind of compassion. Important things are sometimes going unsaid, because it would hurt the other or it's "not nice". However, this doesn't mean that everyone should say everything to the hilt. There are points where one can get a little over-zealous in saying everything they're thinking, and it becomes destructive. The trickiest part in dealing with honesty like this is figuring out where that line is between things you should say and things you shouldn't. This is so hard to explain... to put into words. What I'm saying doesn't make a whole lot of sense at first read. It'd take me a while to organize all of this journal into a logical argument. What I'm trying to convey is the idea is that there is a balance to everything. Being respectful but still compassionate. Between reason and faith. Being cautious but not completely indecisive. Between casual sex and procreation. Everyone probably knows this. In my opinion though, tending to one side is more dangerous than the other. Compassion and respect again: I love respect. It is something I value very highly. People may disagree with me, and I may be wrong, but if someone takes the time to understand and critically evaluate what I think, I really appreciate it. It's the feeling of, "yes, we're here talking about the same thing. I'm with you on this." I think it takes a lot to say, "I respect you and your ideas" and then mean it. What I was trying to get at earlier, in this compassion and respect argument, is that respect is more important than many people think. I'm going to leave it at that for now, but as usual there's more to say on this. I had an outline of sorts for this entry, but I didn't even get through half of it. Next time I'll be diving into religion... oooh, exciting! ;) BTW, I'd love to hear any comments other people have. Do you agree? Disagree? Are you confused? =) ttfn! Current Mood: thoughtful (5 Comments |Comment on this)